Thankfulness

Today I write in tribute to my Mom who died right after Thanksgiving 4 years ago.  I can't believe its been that many years but it has.  In these last few years, I have come to know her and understand her much better. Now that she is gone, and not exasperating me, I can see all the ways that I am like her and I am more thankful than I ever was for all the good things she sowed into my life.

This year we will have Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings at my house. Nine people coming and my girls and I are cooking it, all of it, home made, from scratch(except the turkey, which my husband has masterfully prepared for years. Thanks babe!).Why do we do this?  In part, because my Mom did and that's how you do it. She cooked  allot, without complaining.  I think she must have enjoyed it, because I do and so do most of my kids. And I see this as a gift from my mother.

Another thing that my Mother gave me was the seeds of thankfulness. I say seeds, because she planted something deep and profound, that keeps growing inside of me and changing me. When we were little, my parents taught us to pray before bed. They didn't teach us a prayer to pray, they taught us to pray, by giving thanks.  Ever night we said Thank You God prayers, things from the day and our life that we  were thankful for. We came up with them, we said them out loud together.

A number of years ago I realized that every time I went to pray I began with some kind of thanksgiving. It was completely ingrained in me that prayer and thanksgiving were connected. Giving thanks was rooted deep into my being. I am certain that this habit comes from being taught to give thanks ever night.

So I began to speak about being thankful with my own children, who were mostly teenagers at the time.  I called it cultivating thankfulness. I told them that one of my life's rules or goals was to cultivate thankfulness. 

I don't begin to think that I have accomplished this. I have been challenged recently by  ways that many others are developing thankful hearts.  But I am deeply grateful to my Mom for the seeds she planted and the fruit its borne in my life.

pondering Christmas...

I stopped by Chrismas Change this morning... and it got me to thinking. We Christians are always looking for better ways to celebrate Christmas.   Ways to be intentional about it.  Ways to try and deepen or broaden  our experience of it. We want a way to "do Christmas"that won't leave us empty  after all the presents have been opened, the celebrations and gatherings have occurred and the anticipation is over. 

But I wonder if we can experience a perfect Advent and Christmas celebration, this side of heaven. Because as i see it, God gave us his very best, gift, His one and only Son. And when that miracle occurred in history, most of the world scratched their heads, looked at the baby and thought," Is this it?" What I mean is, we don't get it. We think we know what God did, but we really only know in part and see in part. We don't understand what really happened when Jesus stepped out of eternity and into earth's history.

 The God head planned the very first Christmas, every last detail was intentional, meaningful, purposeful and who could plan or prepare better than they?  But think about it:

Mary was told she was chosen to be the mother of the Messiah and then life got really messy.  She got pregnant out of wedlock, almost lost her husband to be and had her baby all by herself far away from her family. And then ran away from Roman soldiers trying to kill that baby.

Joseph didn't get his wedding celebration, but an already pregnant wife and an unexpected trip to Bethlehem and then Egypt.

The wise men looked for a royal baby prince and instead found a pauper child in a barn.

Who really celebrated the birth of Jesus with a yes! this is it! Perhaps Anna and Simeon.But most of the world experienced a let down.

So I think that He gave us that as part of it--the let-down I mean.  To whet our appetite, to remind us that one day, when we are all together, we will celebrate and there will be no regrets, no"is that all there is?"

Does this mean I am going to quit looking for ways to add joy to Christmas time. No Way! Never! Nor do I think that He wants us to stop trying to expand our understanding and celebration. He gives us those longings and deeply enjoys all the ways we go about pursuing Him. But this year, when I get those Post Christmas blahs or blues, I will stop and say Thank you because I now know that the let down is a gift as well--a hunger pang for heaven's perfect party.

 

Giving and receiving

My receiver is broken.  Oh,I don't mean the one made of wires and plastic.  I mean the one inside of me. I have discovered( more like God revealed) that I have a really hard time graciously and truly receiving gifts. Oh, I can be thankful for things. I can write a thank you note for just about anything--even if I have already thrown the darn thing away. But that is nowhere close to receiving  the gift.

One who really and truly receives allows the giver the pleasure-- the joy of giving. If I don't receive things really and truly; if I don't let them into my being then I am denying  my gift giver this blessing.( Am I really hoarding this  to myself? )

The other thing I had my eyes opened to ..this  failure...it's a matter of pride. Ah pride...My most common nemesis.  And here,  the Lord lovingly shows me  this in very clear terms. Not receiving gifts into my heart, into my life, means I think that I am too good for the gift, telling the giver that its a shabby worthless gift and shuts them out.... Perhaps even to rejecting the Son of God, for scripture says,"He came to his own, and His own did not receive Him.  But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God." John 1:11&12

I don't want to be like that. So I have some learning to do. When God shows me something it means that He is planning to work on it.  Yesterday I didn't know that I had a broken receiver, but today I do and that changes things already. 

Morning Conversation

Yesterday was a rough day. Relationships can be fragile sometimes and amazingly strong at others. I saw both yesterday. Today I sat in a quiet moment, listening, hoping to hear His voice, wondering a bit anxiously what He might say to me in the after math. Here is our conversation.

Rain down Holy Spirit
Wash away guilt and shame
Rain down Holy Spirit
Remove tendancy to blame

Speak truth in love
and do not fail
Listen and learn
Life will prevail

Drink deeply now of
my new wine....
of life, of hope.
of love divine.
Be filled with the Spirit
And laugh and sing
Be filled with the Spirit
His praises now bring
Be filled with the Spirit
You serve a good King.

*A disclaimer: God is infinitely more creative than my feeble attempts to put things into words. I view these offerings as little ditties-- things that spring up in me and hopefully will prime the pump of my creative expression.... Just a different form of my random thoughts..

While the Master was gone...

I recently read a devotional based on the parable of the talents out of Matthew 25. It was an encouragement to use what God has given us. Not a new idea to me, or you either probably. No, I get that. God wants us to use what He has given us. Pretty basic. No what caught me was these words: "While the master was gone.."(Matthew 25:16 emphasis mine.)

I realized in a new way that the master wasn't around. He was outta there. And yet...2 of the servants took what he had given them, thought about who he was and went to work using the talents they had received. But the master was gone. He didn't encourage them or check in on them. He simply let them be. Let them do. Let them try things out. I'm guessing that some of their efforts failed and didn't turn out like they hoped. Maybe they invested in something that produced nothing. The point is both of these servants eventually doubled what was given to them. And they did it while the master was away.

Sometimes I feel like God calls to me and gives me something and then walks away and I am left holding it, wondering what to do. The scripture doesn't say that the Master took each servant aside and gave him detailed instructions, a step by step process. It simply says that he gave his goods to them, each according to their abilities.

And so I realized that feeling like God has disappeared is not an excuse for hiding away my talent(s) I got honest with God and told him that I didn't like feeling like he was gone, but I knew I was wrong for putting things on hold. And I repented . I thought He was holding out on me, but really I was holding out on Him.

I have been thinking a lot about writing this summer. My writing to be precise.Last spring I finally opened up and shared with one of the gals at my school that I was working on a book, had been dabbling at it for 10 years or more. This woman is also a writer and she is actively pursuing her craft. She took some pages and said she'd read them. She encouraged me, she has invited me to attend one of her writing support groups. Unbeknownst to her , she is actually the one who galvanized me into beginning this blog.

And as I explored these ideas I will confess... I think God gave me a talent for writing and then left on a journey. But I have been more like the last servant--hiding it in the ground because I was afraid.My husband has chastised me lovingly for a long time about it. This summer, this quiet summer I have slowly but regularly worked on the book, trying hard to finish a major section before school starts and quiet is replaced by much activity. Will I finish it? I don't know, but I am working on it, no longer hiding it away. Hopeful that when the Master returns He will say "Well done"

The conversion

Seedlings in Stone issued a poetry prompt that inspired me. Here is my contribution;
The Conversion

"I want a porch!"
I told the builder
"Can't do it." he replied.

"I want a porch!
I told my husband
"What do you mean?" he asked.

I want a place to sit outside
to see the trees,
to feel the breeze,
to read, to pray
to meditate.

I want an outside space
attached to the house
to sit,
to snuggle
to decorate.

"Well," he said.
"We can't add a porch
to this houseplan.
How bout a deck instead?"

If I can
sit in the sun
as the day's begun
And talk on the phone
with room to roam
Or observe the light
when day turns to night
I think a deck will do.

"We've added a deck!"
I told my mother.
"How lovely for you!
she exclaimed.

"I love my deck!"
I told my husband.
He nodded and said.
"I know."

God and BHG

Today I decided to chronicle an unusual journey, part of what has happened to to me during the last week. God spoke to me through the pages of Better Homes and Gardens. I have been reading BHG for years. I remember it sitting on my Mom's coffee table when I was a little girl. Sometimes when I was bored I would pick it up and look at it, but it wasn't very interesting to me. Usually I read her Good Housekeeping magazine instead. Flash forward a number of years. I think it was about the time we built our own house and became owners instead of renters, that my Mom began sending me my own subscription to BHG. Now I enjoy it. Mom died several years ago and now I subscribe on my own, mostly because I like the magazine , but partly its a connection to my Mom.

Anyway, last week I was thumbing through the pages of a BHG and I read an article where the simplemom blog was mentioned as a help to organizing your life. Sometime later I went online to check it out. I am always looking for tips in that area. I was very surprised to find that Simplemom is a Christian! I loved her site. I clicked on lots of links and especially the new (in)courage site.

This was truly a God send- a gift from the Father. I've been asking Him for more friends cause I've been a bit lonely this summer. My two closest friends locally (co-workers at my preschool) have both been busy this summer. One has been planning a wedding, in charge of the VBS program and fill-in help at the church office until they hired a new secretary. She's barely had time to catch her breath all summer long. The other gal has seen her Mom suffer through 2 strokes and moved into Hospice care. Her free time is spent at her Mom's house. So we haven't had our coffee times. And I miss them.

I mentioned yesterday that its been a quiet summer. I know that He designed it that way. I see His hand at work. It's been quiet too for Natalie, my soon to be sophomore in college daughter who came home for the summer to work. And so the Father has given us lots of time together--we've gone lap swimming and walking and bike riding together. We've gone to Women's Bible Study and watched a lot of movies together. What a treasure that has been! I am thankful for every minute of it. But it won't be long now and she'll be back at school. So while I rejoice in the strengthening and maturing of my relationship with Natalie, I still ask for more-- typical human that I am.

And now each day I click through sites, and read scraps of blogs. I have found a plethora of women online blogging about life, love, faith. Coffee lovers, writers, God seekers, Moms, wives, teachers. I am so excited about them. I found people I relate to, stories that encourage me, and inspire me . And when I am quiet and listening...I hear the Father chuckling softly and I cry. He loves me so much.

"Every good gift and perfect gift comes is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights.." James 1:17

Savor the Summer

Summer is drawing to a close. I hate that the whole month of August seems like Sunday to me. It's still part of the weekend, but you know its almost over. I have almost 2 full weeks before I go back to work, yet its there..hanging in the background urging me to remember that summer is almost over,trying to keep me from embracing and enjoying each day. So I fight it off by trying to ignore that upcoming event.

One thing that helps is the fact that my older daughter is coming home this weekend for a whole week! Yay! We will hang out and try to do some fun things. Now that she is 21 we can go wine tasting together. Another plus is that my younger daughter doesn't leave for school until the middle of September, that some how makes summer seems longer to me.

And I have had a good summer. It's been quiet, not a lot of hustle and bustle, but I needed that. God knew I did. And I have spent a lot of time with Him. I mentioned to some friends earlier in the summer that I often look to the summer as a time of spiritual renewal. I have worked at that this summer. I purposely engaged in some spiritual disciplines this summer--and the one noticeable result for me is that I feel a little bit more in tune. I don't think that I have made great spiritual strides or had any great revelations this summer,but I'm listening for His voice and hearing it more often.

The scripture verse that seems to capture the essence of my time: Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." My quiet summer has truly given me many opportunities to be still and to know . That I can savor for the rest of this summer and all year long.

Remember me?

I'm Back! After a long hiatus, I think I'm ready to write again. I've been inspired by the women of (In) Courage, kindred spirits--women who love God and write about His hand in their lives ,from the mundane to the marvelous. Thanks guys.

Firestarter

Fire needs three things to burn: air, fuel and heat. When you build a fire you have the air surrounding you, fuel usually in the form of paper and wood, and matches. For me, building a fire in the wood stove is a pretty easy process. I grab kindling and wood from the piles I have, pick up a piece of newspaper and strike a match.

The three components of a fire remind me of the Trinity. Its actually a pretty good analogy. Our God is a Triune God. He's not just Father, or Son or even Holy Spirit. Just like you can never have a fire if you don't have each part, God is all three and it takes each aspect to show us the One True God.

For fun I have matched up the three parts of a fire with the three parts of the Trinity.Its easy to align the Holy Spirit with fuel...The Holy Spirit is the dunamis, the power to live the walk we are called to. I have a much harder time with Jesus and the Father. I can compare Jesus with heat for He is the one who has made it possible to come into relationship with God just like I associate the match with the thing that starts the fire. Jesus' death and resurrection lit the flame of God fire in my life. So that leaves the Father as air... Air provides the right environment for fire to burn. A match put to wood in a vacumn would not light. God's perfect love, Jesus' spark and the Holy's Spirit's fuel. That's one way to see it. Even as I write this, though, I can sense that my associations are imperfect. I can see each person of the trinity in a different role too. Perhaps that is why the Trinity is such a mystery to us...Distinct features or flavors to each part, yet each such an integral part of the other so that they can't really be divided. Even so, a fire, when is is burning can not at that moment be divided into its three parts or it would cease being a fire.

It Only Takes a Spark

Yesterday at the preschool we had a fireman come and visit with the kids. He asked them, "Is fire good or bad?" Some children said good and some said it was bad. His answer was that it is both. Fire gives us heat to cook our food and and warm us up . It can also provide us with light and protect us from wild animals. But if a fire is burning our clothes or our house, it's bad. Fire is dangerous and must be handled with respect and care.

Scripture contains numerous references connecting God and fire. The first one that pops into my mind is the verse from Hebrews 12: 29--"Our God is a consuming fire" My bible had a cross reference from Hebrews to Exodus 24:17 where it talked about the glory of the Lord resting upon Mt Sinai ."The glory of the Lord was like a consuming fire on the top of the mountain in the eyes of the children of Israel." I also think about how the Children of Israel were commanded to keep a lamp burning continually in the temple. These and other verses give me confidence that fire is important symbolically and / or metaphorically to God, as well as a physical gift He has given us.

As i explore and try to describe what I have learned from and about fires I know that God has a lot more to reveal to me in the process of writing them down. Thanks for joining me on this journey.

Fire

I love fires. Like many people, I am constantly interested in and attracted to fires. Not sure why we humans have such a response to them, but when I watch a fire I think about a lot of things.

We use the wood stove as our primary heat source during the cold season, any where from September to May. It does a good job of heating the great room(kitchen, dining, living, den) and getting it warm and toasty. It draws us together, for its much nicer to be out near the fire than tucked away in a cold bedroom. The dog has staked out his spot too. He loves to be right smack dab in front of the wood stove. He will eschew his dog bed to lie down on the bare wood floor next to the fire.

A steadily burning fire is attractive in many ways. For one, it's visually appealing--I can sit and watch the flames dancing up and around a piece of wood for a long time. A couple of nights ago I watched a fire where the flames burned red and orange and then died down and a wave of blue flame rose up at the back of the stove for just an instant and then the basic red and orange flames were back. It was unusual and beautiful and it continued in that manner for while. I don't know how long, I had to stop watching and go do something else.

God used a fire to attract Moses in the desert, a beautiful and unusual fire, an eternal flame, for the bush burned, but was not consumed.Once he had Moses' attention, then He spoke to him. And God speaks through fires to me too. They are a constant parable to me. I have been building fires in my wood stove or my back yard for the last 13 years and they almost always speak to me about relationships--personal or communal.

That night as I sat on my knees and watched the shifting flame, that's when I knew... I had my next topic. I have felt dry as far as topics for a while, but now I am going write about fires and what they tell me.

The Selfish Rosebush

Its amazing how self centered, selfish one can be with out even realizing it. No wonder Jesus tells us we need to die to our self daily. I think that self part of me wakes up before the rest of me does sometimes. I remember , when I first got married thinking that I had no idea how selfish I was. I was so used to being in charge of my life and stuff that to begin to constantly take another person's concerns, needs, and wants in to consideration about everything was a huge challenge. And of course, my needs were more important than his because they were mine. So silly. But we labored at it and found our way to a give and take that worked for us.

Except for I don't know if anything has changed in me. So many days I still feel the same way, my needs are the important ones here, not anybody else's. When my kids were little I didn't concern myself so much with my needs. What I wanted to to make sure that the kids were well taken care of. So when I did that I got what I wanted and so did they. Now I don't have four kids wanting things. I only have one living at home and he's pretty self sufficient. Food and laundry is about all he needs from me, and sometimes not even the food part of it...

I see a progression here and its not good. I think that I have succummed to a wrong way of thinking. It goes like this...When we first got married it was all about him and building a good marriage. Then I got pretty good at that( or so I thought). Next we had kids and it was all about taking care of the kids and I got pretty good at that too. Now with one pretty self sufficient kid at home its time for me and all of the things I sacrificed to get here. Or so I realized that I have been thinking.And unfortunately I'm pretty good at this me first stuff.

Now God's been talking to me about this for a while..pointing out my growing meism. And I have been acknowledging that He's right, but not really doing much about it, because it's my time doncha see!

Roses have been symbolic to me for a long time. They are a constant source of His teaching me--my personal parable if you will. Some time a rosebush will produce a branch that is thick and vigorous and full of leaves. But it never flowers. It just drains life from the other branches. These branches need to be pruned all the way down to the root.There is very little fruit in my life right now. And the gardener is coming. He's got his clippers out and I know that a lot of branches that I have been feeding are going to get pruned right off. So I might be kind of scraggley looking for a while, but He knows just how to get beautiful roses out of my life.

Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away: and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit(roses! ) John 15:2

Basketball blues

You wanna know something difficult to do? Be a classy sports fan .Sounds almost like an oxy moron right? What does a classy fan look like? Well... You root for your team. Support the kids and encourage them. Recognize when they make a good play.I think that good fans can help make the game fun for the players A classy fan is positive,has self control and perspective It's the kind of fan I want to be.

Why is it so hard to be a classy fan? One area where I often struggle is reacting to the refereeing. Many of the calls a ref makes are subjective and often a call really impacts the flow of the game. For example, in last night's game my team got called on three offensive fouls as different players drove hard to the basket. Each time, the shot went in but the basket was waved off. None of those boys drove hard to the basket like that again during the game. Were they offensive fouls? I didn't think so . It felt so unfair. What is the best response to something like that? Yelling at the ref might momentarily make me feel better, but its not what I want to be know for.

Another difficulty..some teams just get my goat before they even take a shot. I don't know what it is but the attitude or spirit that emanates from some teams is classless. Everything feels "in your face". Our school plays this one team where some of the visiting parents sit in the home team section. What's up with that? It feels antagonistic to me. It's hard not to get drawn down to a lesser way of cheering, and to start rooting against the other team and the other parents. To tease and to taunt. But I don't really want to be that kind of fan.

It's funny to me how much God uses sports events to mould and shape my character even when I am only a fan. I am convinced that 99.99% of the time the Lord is completely unconcerned with who wins and loses. That He is hands off and allows things to unfold according to all the choices each person playing or reffing has made. So whether my team wins or loses He uses that in me for my good, honing and shaping me more into the image of Jesus. And when I step away from the sporting events and look at my life, what I really want is to be pleasing to God, to be a sweet smelling aroma.

Now that's an oxymoron--what I really want is to to give up what I want and do whatever pleases Him

"Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us , and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us..."Hebrews 12: 1b

Christmas reflections: part 1

So today I am finally taking down the Christmas tree. Undecorating it. Sometimes I'm in more of a hurry to do it than other times. I like to work on it while something else is going on too, like during bowl season when football games are on. But this year since its late, its just me, doing it it little by little. This year's tree was a really pretty one, beautifully proportioned, wonderfully decorated, shapely, colorful. We loved it. Everyone in the family commented on how perfect it was.Yet, it is time for it to go. I don't mind taking it down. I think that I am better at doing that--getting the boxes out,putting things away and packing up, than I am at decorating. I have been enjoying finding the pieces that the boxes tell me they need, thinking back to when and where we got this or that ornament. Reflecting, reminising and tidying up. It's very satisfying.
I have good memories of this Christmas. and I'm ok with moving on. We worked hard to make it a joyful time of celebration, family and friends.Was it a perfect Christmas? No, the snow and ice made things difficult and cut into our time together. But we were together, all of us. We were all healthly, had plenty to eat, and a warm house. And we are all richer because of it. I don't mean monetarily, or with stuff, even though we all got lots of stuff. Being together, celebrating together, enlarged us, changed us, and sometimes cut us as tempers flaired and arguements ensued.
No, not a perfect Christmas, but the one God gave us. The one He hand picked for us to have. I know that lots of Christians make a big deal about how the best gift ever given was Jesus. I agree with that. Jesus is a gift like no other. but it seems like sometimes we gyp ourselves and others by thinking that it was a one time deal and the only gift. God is a gift giver. All the time. He thinks about what is good for us and then goes and gives it to us. A lot of the time we miss it. I know that I certainly do, or I revile and reject the gift because it's not what I wanted.But God gives us Christmas every year, an excuse to celebrate. I can't think of any other religion where the adherents are commanded to have parties, to sing and dance and rejoice. And even as I take down the tree, I know that Christmas will come again, very soon. And I will have another opportunity to remember the nativity story, to sing the carols, to shop for gifts and decorations and celebrate all over again.